The band at church was singing “Broken Vessels” by Hillsong United, which includes parts of the song “Amazing Grace”. “Amazing Grace happens to be one of my mom’s favorite songs.
“Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I’m found was blind but now I see…”
As the lead singer described that the role music plays in worship is a vessel to open our hearts so that we can worship, I slowly felt a pit in my stomach and an ache in my throat as I held back tears listening to a song that means so much to my mom. I am reminded she is saved and that God is holding her and that she will be free from all of this one day. All the while, the joy of that feeling and all of the other joys in my life (and there are a lot) are battling for my feelings as I experience a deep grief for my family.
The doctor that released her from the hospital (way to early) last time had made no changes to her medication so when she got released, our first goal was to get her to her regular psychiatrist. They could not get her in for a week (typical), so when that time came, mom was too sick to go. She refused. About a week later, dad finally got her to go with a bribe. He adjusted her medication and was not happy about how the hospital had released her. He sent her home, hoping these medication changes would help. If we could just keep her consistent with meds and in his care (no random doctors interfering), maybe we could get somewhere. We were hopeful, but cautiously optimistic.
Well, it didn’t work. Shortly after that, mom disappeared late at night into the pouring rain. As expected, we learned the next day she was brought to the hospital at some point. This time, she is in a different hospital. This means a different doctor, which makes me feel a little better considering the last one released her in the state that she was in. But it is still “another new doctor” and he knows next to nothing about her history. Unfortunately, neither I nor my dad has been able to speak with her as of yet.
He has been calling with no success. I have called a few times, but to be honest I am struggling even wanting to try. She had been texting me bizarre messages shortly before she went in the hospital and the last one I received said “go to hell honey”. It is hard to describe what it feels like to read that from your mother. Deep down, of course, I know it is not her. I would even bet that there was some sort of heartfelt reason (some delusion that led her to believe hell had changed) as she has NEVER been like that towards me. Bottom line, it is still is hard to see and with every hurtful moment I throw up more guards to protect myself so that I can care for my blessings and leave the rest to God.
“All these pieces broken and scattered, in mercy gathered, mended and whole, empty handed, but not forsaken. I’ve been set free. I’ve been set free”
So as beautiful as that song was Sunday morning, it frustrated me. We have this amazing ability to live freely through Christ on earth, but when your mind is sick and has taken over your body, it seems impossible. She is trapped in an altered reality, and her soul feels unfairly lost in the rumble. Our freedom in Christ is a choice that we make daily and we get this gracious gift to practice it! She may not have that ability right now (hopefully she will again), but I know for sure I’ll meet that soul again in Heaven one day, and while I’m pretty dang happy with this heart breaking, beautiful life here on earth; I truly cannot wait for that moment. I miss her.