It’s been a while… I promised myself when I started this blog that I would only write when I felt compelled. I know so many have been wondering and asking how my mom is, and I am ready for an update. Truthfully, so much has been going on lately that I am not sure my brain had the capacity to really process everything. Here lately, I have had a break from teaching (semester ended), and I am down to just my full-time job and sharing about makeup (aka-best job ever…. is it even a job?!), and suddenly I found myself wide awake… on Mother’s Day… at the wee hour of 6am … 9.8 months pregnant, and I wanted to write.
I suppose my subconscious is telling me to process this whole Mother’s Day thing, and the fact the my sweet mother is unfortunately too sick again. My last post, “and just like that.. a redemption song” was all about miracles and I mentioned that I knew I better soak it up while I could. So for a few months we did. I was growing a new blessing, a precious baby girl. Mom was stable and the medicine seemed to be working okay.. there is always side effects to deal with and finding the right balance, etc., but overall she was doing okay. We could talk on the phone and have meaningful conversations. She was sincere and nurturing and relatable. I was able to use what I could to allow myself to feel connected to her again… All the while, remaining uneasy about losing her once more, all too soon.
Unfortunately, the what I call “good run” was short lived. I was hoping for a marathon and we got a 5k…. a few solid months. It started how it usually starts.The side effects were too much to bare. Mom couldn’t watch a TV or focus on nearly anything. She felt such a brain fog that she was miserable and informed the doctor about it. Since she sounded good, he lowered one of her medications to see how she handled it. Well, I bet you can guess what happened next. That did not work out so well, and once one little break in the “good run” happens, boy is hard to get it back. It has been a battle ever since. As soon as her mind started slipping back into her own “reality”, despite remaining on medication, she started making some decisions of her own. One being, that her current doctor was over medicating her and she refused to go back to him. Yes, this is the doctor that actually got her stable again, but she was too far gone now to be able to recognize that. All of that reality had left her. So in order to get her to the doctor to continue getting medication, we had to agree to take her to a new doctor. Of course, this has all occurred over the last five months or so and there is a lot more to the story, but in a nut shell, the new doctor is “okay”….He has not increased her dosage, and mom is essentially “co-existing” in her reality and ours right now. She is home and we can still talk, but I never know what or who I am going to get. Some days she sounds pretty lucid, but I don’t recognize her at all. Her emotions have faded and she doesn’t seem to be deeply connected to the fact that I am about to give birth to her second granddaughter.
Back track to over three years ago when I had Aisley, mom was doing well at the time. She was by my side through the birth and it made me whole. I am an only child and my body and heart yearns for my momma to be with me during such a special time. There is just something about her nurturing presence that comforts me. The way she would play with my hair, know what I need without me saying it, hold my hand. Perhaps if I had a sister, that would fill that gap… I don’t know, but I do know that beyond the utter excitement and anticipation, there is an emptiness inside me as we approach the birth of Eden. I wish she could be there by my side.
The reality is that some people have lost their moms. Some people have never met their biological moms. Some people have moms who are caught up in addiction. Some people have very sick moms. Some people are enjoying Mothers Day with “the best mom ever”, and some are not. Some people are anxiously awaiting a new baby, and some are desperate to have that opportunity. This time last year, I was about to deliver my little boy that I would never meet, and this year I am anxiously waiting to meet my daughter. So whatever kind of Mother’s Day you are having, know this. Your mother loves you deeply even if she can’t show it the way you so desperately need it. If you can be with your mom or have a great phone conversation, do it. What a gift!!! If you are hoping to be a mom, find peace, because there is so much more to your story.
I’m going to focus on my memories and blessings today and when I talk to my mom, I will take as much good out of it as I can. I will let myself miss her and I will let myself find joy. Like I always say, life can be oh so hard, but it sure is beautiful.
Happy Mother’s Day.