It has been 70 days since we delivered our son and came to terms with the realization that he would not be in our arms come November. We would not hear him cry, see him smile, or see Aisley interact with him. He is gone from our temporary life here on earth and we are okay with that. Really, we are. In fact, I have been so okay, that it made me wonder about how I was coping with the situation, or if I was. So I started some pretty serious reflection. A lot has gone on over the past couple months. Aside from losing Amos, some big changes occurred at work that involved some challenges, my mom is still stuck in the perpetual cycle of going in and out of the hospital, and my Dad is barely hanging on. Needless to say, there have been a lot of emotions. I have found myself reevaluating so much about my life. Apparently grief can make you do this, but it is not a bad thing. In fact, it has been really good.
I am a sensitive soul. I live out a lot of emotions, and lately there has been more sorrow than I would prefer. Of course, I wish we still had a baby coming in November. I wish more than anything we could get some sort of long-term care for my mom so she would have one more chance to get better before I consider her lost. I wish Dad would have a break and a chance to live a life with more freedom. Then there is everything going on in the world…..
In the midst of all this “reflecting”, I took a break from writing. I was just a bit exhausted from everything and I need a MOMENT to just sit with it all. For a bit, I was not even sure if I wanted to keep sharing. Sharing our stories, especially the tough stuff, is hard. The aftermath of letting it out and being vulnerable can feel a bit terrifying. I think it is so important to practice vulnerability in our personal relationships. It really will take them to the next level and help us in the process. Sharing in the open is something totally different, though. I knew going in to this that it was not going to be some wildly popular blog… Sharing mostly about mom’s major mental illness is not a very attractive subject for people, but I knew deep down it was something I always wanted to do. So I asked myself some tough questions. How do I want to feel? What do I want to accomplish by sharing? Where does the desire to share come from?
The conclusions that I came to boil down to this: The desire comes from God. I want to feel release and comfort in knowing that someone else out there was touched because I am sharing my story. I need to trust God to handle that part. I want to share God’s beauty, love, grace, and faithfulness. I absolutely cannot do that if I am not willing to share the valleys.
Call me crazy, but I sort of find it all beautiful. There is something just so captivating about this life from the deep sorrow that forces us to look beyond ourselves to the immeasurable joy we can feel in one simple moment. It has been in my lowest moments that I have found the deepest connection with my Savior, and my happiest moments that I have truly allowed myself to let it all go, if even for short time. If that is not beautiful, I don’t know what is.
So I am going to share the tough when I feel called and I am not going to be sorry for it. Of course, I hope to share the joy and the happy too, but I think if we look really hard…. it has been there all along.